


Thin Walls

by Aida



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: And wants to stab things, Crack, Humor in general, Implied/Referenced Sex, Let's face it it's pretty cracky, Multi, Ori is a clever little shit, Sexual Humor, Thorin is grumpy, fem!Kili
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 08:22:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/Aida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But there was only so much he could take, day and night, and if Bilbo Baggins didn’t stop buggering his niece, he would take an axe to that hobbit’s head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thin Walls

**Author's Note:**

> A silly thing that I kinda rushed through, but I couldn't get the idea out of my head. And really, people: Be mindful of thin walls.

Thorin considered himself a patient dwarf. Not once since after the Battle had he tried to kill Thranduil whenever he would visit to discuss treaties. Not once had he raised his voice at the so-called “nobles” when they tried to argue against the courting pairs that were forged from amongst the company. Never once snapped at the disputing dwarrows that would ask for his mediation. And he never snarled at one of Bombur’s underlings when they forgot that he didn’t like carrots.

But there was only so much he could take, day and night, and if Bilbo Baggins didn’t stop buggering his niece, he would take an axe to that hobbit’s head.

It wasn’t like he didn’t approve of their relationship. In fact, the moment he saw Bilbo fidgeting in his smial, he knew that he would be a perfect match for Kíli, even though he seemed a poor burglar. He was quite pleased when Kíli happily announced that they were courting, and as long as he didn’t see or hear anything, they were free to do what they would with each other.

Unfortunately, once they were able to safely reside in the mountain, royal chambers or no, an idiot decided that putting the King in the room next to his betrothed niece’s was a good idea.

Said idiot apparently didn’t take note of the fact that the walls were surprisingly thin.

It was ridiculous, because they were in a _mountain_ , for Mahal’s sake! No wise architect would’ve carved the walls so thinly. But they were, and Thorin was forced to lay awake in bed at night. Forced to hear his sweet, innocent niece beg the burglar to be fucked. And hard, apparently, if he heard the words right. 

“Are they still at it?”

Thorin moved his glare away from the ceiling and towards Ori. Granted, Ori didn’t deserved to be glared at, for he wasn’t the idiot who planned their temporary living arrangements. But he had been awake for what felt like hours longer than he wished. Only because he heard the violent banging and shrill wails coming from next door whilst resisting the urge to storm their rooms with Orcrist in hand. 

“What do you think?” He asked instead, watching as his own intended began to strip to his smalls before him.

Said young dwarf huffed. “Unbelievable.” He remarked. “Didn’t they do this the other night?”

“Don’t remind me.” Thorin growled, rubbing his tired, burning eyes as he felt the bedding stretch and dip as Ori crawled in to join him. 

“It really bothers you, doesn’t it?” Ori asked, and Thorin couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Oh! I mean, of _course_ it does!”

“I am rather perturbed that I’m reminded every night that my young niece isn’t as young as I thought.” He finally grumbled, feeling small, ink-stained hands pull him close. “But I would just like to live in ignorance for one night. Have a night of peaceful sleep where I’m not lulled by such racket.”

“You aren’t truly lulled, are you?” The scribe asked, and Thorin shook his head. 

“No.” He growled. “More tempted to slaughter certain hobbits, but never sleep.”

Ori giggled into his ear, a sweet sound indeed, and Thorin finally turned to look at him. Upon seeing him, all of his anger and fatigue was forgotten. For Ori was gloriously naked next to him, skin glowing in the dim firelight. 

He then saw that Ori was hard, and the anger started to come back. “You’re hard.” He muttered, sending Ori an accusatory glare. “Do they _arouse_ you?”

“Oh, no!” His intended laughed, and Thorin couldn’t help but hum as he felt clever fingers pet his chest hair. “Not by them. More by you… And my plan.”

Thorin was instantly interested the moment Ori moved to lie atop him. “A plan?” He asked, unable to stop his hands from wandering along pale skin. “What kind of plan?”

“A plan that will teach others to keep their voices down and to respect those who want to sleep.” He explained, and Thorin was now a mix of aroused and confused.

“Do go on.”

**xxx**

“Three times, Kee.”

Said princess merely hummed at Bilbo’s words, plastering herself against his side as she continued to gently lay kisses upon her intended’s neck and shoulder.

“Seriously, Kíli.” Bilbo continued, giggling when Kíli’s lips brushed against a particularly ticklish spot. “We’ve already gone at it _three times_. I don’t think I can go on!”

“We’ve done many more before.” She quipped, nipping at an ear and giggling herself when Bilbo swatted at her.

“Not by much! And that was just one time, because Oin finally cleared you.” He continued, finally urging her face away from his neck enough to properly card fingers through her hair. “Because of how long we worried, and how long we waited… The fact that we finally had a bed for ourselves helped, as well.”

Kíli laughed with him, then, cuddling close and throwing a leg over one of his. She supposed that three glorious releases were enough for one night, but that didn’t stop the blood flowing down towards certain places. Didn’t stop the shudder that went through her as Bilbo’s release trickled down her thigh. 

Before she knew it, she was practically humping Bilbo’s leg. She almost stopped, almost apologized, but the words devolved into a low keening noise as she felt her burglar’s nimble fingers reach down to stroke her.

“So greedy.” He murmured, and she whimpered when his fingers twisted just so. “Truly, you’ll be the death of me.”

“It’ll be a good death.” She managed to say, spreading her legs to grant him more access. “One that I will happily join-!”

“What was that?”

Kíli growled as Bilbo’s ministrations stopped completely, hand moving away and leaving her humping air. “Bilbo-!”

“No, seriously!” He urged. “Did you not hear that?”

“Hear what?” She asked, now confused herself. That is, until she heard it.

A low, grumbling noise echoed through the walls, almost like the sound of shifting stone. 

She frowned, sitting up in bed, Bilbo following suit. “What was that, indeed?” She asked softly. 

“Was that a quake?” Bilbo asked. “Or perhaps one of the old mineshafts collapsing?”

“No, no, we would’ve felt that.” Kíli answered, shifting in bed and holding the bedding to her hips for modesty. “That’s-.”

They heard it again, only it was louder. A more earnest noise that Kíli was able to pick out and identify the source of.

“It’s uncle!” She cried, immediately fighting to get out of bed. “It’s Thorin, and he’s in pain!”

“W-Wait, Kíli!”

“Bilbo, we don’t have time! Now, come on!” 

“No, Kíli, stop!”

“I can’t stop!” Kíli snapped, shrugging Bilbo’s hapless hands off her shoulders. “He could be _dying_ for all-!”

“Kíli, I don’t think he’s dying.” Bilbo cut in, cheeks flushing and looking rather blotchy. 

She frowned. “Then wha-?”

“ _Ah, ghivashel!_ ”

Kíli froze in place, eyes widening as the realization dawned on her. She looked at Bilbo, who was standing stiffly in front of her, lips thin and looking properly mortified.

“Is that-? Is he-? Oh, Mahal, Thorin’s having _sex_!”

“W-Well, are you really that surprised?” Bilbo pressed, even as Kíli began to pace their bedroom, bedding long forgotten. “I mean, he is a grown dwarf. And he’s got Ori!”

“But he’s _Thorin_!” She hissed. “My uncle, who was practically my father, and that’s… Oh, now I know what he sounds like when he-!”

She let out a pitiful whine as she flopped back onto the bed, pressing her palms to her ears as she felt one of Bilbo’s hands caress her shoulders in comfort. 

“I agree, it’s not the best thing to hear, Kíli.” She heard him state. “But at least we didn’t walk in on them, or… Oh…”

Kíli blinked, because Bilbo’s hand tighten, and it was trembling. When she looked up, she was properly concerned with how pale he had gotten. “What? What is it, now?”

“Kíli…” Bilbo breathed, eyes wide and full of terror. “We can _hear them_ …”

She frowned, properly confused and a little disgusted, if she were being honest with herself. “Yes, I know.” She stated. “You don’t have to remind me-!”

“No, Kíli, love. You don’t understand.” Bilbo pressed on, hands truly shaking as they grasped both her shoulders. “We can _hear_ him, and if _we_ can hear _him_ …”

It didn’t take long to piece that together, and when she finally did, she felt like she was going to combust. “He can hear…! When we…!”

Her words died out in a squeak that was quite similar to the ones Bilbo was prone to emitting, even as said hobbit began tugging at his curls.

“Oh, Eru, he must want to kill me!” He cried. “He can hear me, hear us…! I mean, I’m surprised that my head’s still on my shoulders!”

“How do you think I feel!?” She cried right back. “There’s a reason why I was a virgin when I met you, after all! Oh, Maker…!”

“That’s it! That’s it.” Bilbo stated firmly, causing Kíli to blink up at him. “Kíli, we are never having sex again until we move into the royal wing!”

“Well, let’s not be too hasty…”

**xxx**

The following day, no one dared to mention it. Never once brought up that the truth of the thin walls was found out. The only way anyone could’ve picked up about it was the peculiar way Bilbo would sometimes duck when Thorin was around and Ori seemed to be entirely too smug.

They never mentioned it, but an understanding was silently reached. Kíli and Bilbo still had sex, but they either stayed as quiet as possible, or got rather creative with their locations. Thorin was able to sleep easy throughout the night and his mood seemed much lighter.

Of course, once the royal wings were restored, the four of them equally demanded that their quarters were to be placed on opposite ends. As far away from each other as possible.

They would not be risking thin walls ever again.


End file.
